


That one where they meet through Grindr

by Rose_Brewery



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Closeted Alec Lightwood, Drinking, Drunk Texting, Gay Disaster Alec Lightwood, Grindr, Law Student Alec Lightwood, M/M, Online Relationship, Panic Attacks, Raj warning, Trans Maia Roberts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:49:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 7,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26339032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_Brewery/pseuds/Rose_Brewery
Summary: Alec is a closeted law student. He doesn't intend for any of it to change.(An unfinished piece found on my phone)---Edit:This is unfinished and no idea when there'll be more
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Aline Penhallow, Alec Lightwood & Maia Roberts, Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Helen Blackthorn/Aline Penhallow, Isabelle Lightwood/Meliorn, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis/Maia Roberts
Comments: 22
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

-  
_Dear Alexander._

__

__

_I'd love to take you out for wine and an evening out in the city._

_You've said you're looking for a friend, I'd like that._

_Magnus Bane_  
-

Alec stares at the message, so unlike any other he has gotten in the time he's installed the app on his phone. He had "friends" checked in the section labeled "looking for." But, honestly, it didn't stop anyone from messaging him with the dirtiest suggestions and propositions. And, at least to himself, Alec could admit that he loved feeling desired. Desired by men. That he knew that they were imagining him in their lewd fantasies. He couldn't have any of it in his life, he couldn't have even the PG version, where he'd have a boyfriend and they'd hold hands and go on dates together. This would crush his parents and ruin his carefully planned life. So having strangers lusting after him - was Alec's escape.

He went through quite a number of drunken evenings and panic attacks before he finally downloaded Grindr to his phone. The first time Alec had tried to use Grindr, he went as far as looking at the download icon, then proceeded to freak out, and spent the rest of his night alone studying the embarrassment away. The second time wasn't much better, ending with him deleting it the moment he downloaded it. The third time was going okay, until Alec got to section 21.12 of the Terms of Service Agreement. And while the likelyhood of him ever working on a case involving the company was almost impossible, he couldn't stop picturing himself refusing to partake in the case, imagining all the questions and rumors that would follow, how he'd have to disclose to the board that he couldn't be a part of this case because he had foolishly downloaded the app in his twenties. A future like this was too much to handle and the app was deleted again.

The only thing even close to how nervous he was feeling then, was those couple of years when he was a teenager and he thought that his parents would find out about him, or already knew and were just waiting to kick him out of the house. Sometime during those years he figured out that his parents were never going to figure anything out, because it was so far out of the realm of anything acceptable to them. And it's not like Alec was planning on coming out. As long as Alec was getting good grades and didn't do anything to disgrace the family name, he was left alone, his parents' attention divided between Alec's three younger siblings and the messes they caused.

The next time - Alec kept reading. The legal text calming his frayed nerves. Picking a profile picture was the end of that attempt. He couldn't just put his face online, what if someone saw? What if it got to his parents? Or to Idris and sons where he was interning? The law firm was very outdated in a lot of ways, but an internship there could open a lot of doors, so Alec kept to himself and just soldiered through. After his second week there nobody tried to make friends with him and kept at a professional distance. Which was exactly what Alec needed.

But the stupid app. It just wouldn't let him be. Alec knew what kind of pictures people used on dating apps. And putting up a torso picture was not something he felt comfortable doing. He knew he was fit, but he was nothing but average, which - no one wanted to see that, and he wasn't entirely comfortable with people on the internet looking at him like that. And the tattoo on his left peck that he had done with Jace and Izzy to celebrate their bond as siblings was a pretty good reason not to pose with his shirt off. All three of them had it in different places on their bodies, it was a unique design. Alec was not taking a chance.

Still, he needs something. Alec browses his siblings' social media pages and finds a couple of pictures of himself he thinks he could use. Like the one where he's standing on the beach at their private villa, facing the sunset, back turned towards the camera. He's wearing his usual swim trunks that could pass for shorts, but the terms of service said that swimwear was okay as long as it was at an appropriate location. The second photo he found was of himself buried in a mountain of pillows on Izzy's bed. He's covering his face in this one, half turned away from the camera, his arms are on display here, his shirt riding up just a bit, to reveal a strip of skin. He never thought of this photo as sexual, but when looking at it now, trying to imagine other men looking at him, maybe, wanting him, he thinks he could see it working.

The last one he picks is a photo made by Clary Fray for her exam. She was exploring the theme of hedonism, luxury, excess. So she had each of her models represent a Greek god. Alec did not agree at first, but Fray didn't play fair and coupled with Izzy and Jace making puppy eyes at him, he begrudgingly agreed to take the photo.

The series turned out really good, he had to admit. She avoided doing traditional portraits, going for the details. Like Izzy's naked back with her locks falling down on one side, red cloth draped elegantly over her shoulder, the focus as much on the beauty of the girl, as the heavy accents of the gold jewelry she was wearing.

Jace got a picture of his hands, clutching at a chain, fingers covered in rings and the wooden table splattered in blood. As the person Fray dated he got really pouty about his body not being on display, but Clary pulled him down to whisper something in his ear and his demeanor instantly changed. Alec did not need to know what was said there.

Alec's photo though, it definitely took him far out of his comfort zone, but he could see the payoff and he couldn't help but be amazed at what Clary could pull off, considering how uncooperative he was.

Alec was sat at a table, his torso bare, a mauve cloth draped strategically over his left shoulder and peck. You could only see the bottom half of Alec's face in the frame. The table had grapes and wine in a beautiful fiasco, Alec himself was putting a grape in his mouth, juice running down his arm, lips obscene as they were freezed in time, closing over the berry.

He doesn't let his thoughts linger before he's uploading the three photos lest he overthink it all again.

Alec goes through all the necessary fields, picks his "tribes", clicks and unclicks the vers bottom thing in favor of hiding the information, writes something about himself and checks the "looking for" section to make it say "friends." And then deletes it again, because even with half a bottle of wine already inside him, giving the app access to his gps was something he couldn't do.

With time he gets a little less paranoid about using the app. He stops deleting it from his phone. He keeps the "friends" part, but identifies himself as a top, just because it makes him feel a little more secure, a little less embarrassed.

After a week of only getting messages about wanting to get fucked by him, Alec changes his position to versatile. It's not like it matters. It's not like he answers. So it doesn't mean a thing.

Alec has never let himself stray off the path his parents paved for him and this, this secret, it's like a bomb, blowing up the road right before him. Only it's not. If anything it's a firecracker. There's a sparkle, there's a sound, but all that's left is a tiny scuff Alec can just step over and keep going like nothing happened. It feels exhilarating. But it also feels safe.

He gets a few dick pics straight off the bat and he's tempted to take his time and look at them. Because those are actual dicks. That people sent to him. Trying to get his attention. There's also an assortment of dirty messages that range from weird to no way in hell! Some of them are kind of hot, but Alec doesn't have the courage to answer. He does click on the profiles and looks through photos of the guys that message him. And Alec imagines. What it would be like, if he wrote back. Imagines strong hands and tanned bodies, imagines kissing a guy for the first time, the way stubble must feel against his skin as the kisses would get more heated, more dirty, would get lower... He imagines touching another man's cock, imagines being touched by a hand that isn't his. He pictures it all. Every scenario, every fantasy, all these anonymous men.

And that's how he leaves it. There's no real harm in looking. And letting his imagination run wild. As long as no one finds out, as long as he can keep his life intact, it's okay to look.

***

But now there's this... Magnus Bane. Username Hell's Bane, 32, has an appreciation for all things beautiful and no tolerance for hate, he also enjoys dancing, or so his profile says. Magnus is here for the whole experience, it looks like, he's here to promote his LGBTQIA+ business, make friends and looking for a relationship. There's more, like his height and weight, things Alec also filled out when he registered. But his eyes are glued to the photo of the man.

Magnus is- he's... magical. There's no other word for it. The first thing Alec notices is the make-up. Magnus has beautiful dark eyes accented by smoky cohl and glitter. Alec has never seen men wearing makeup. Now he's happy he hasn't, because staying in the closet would have been that much harder. Bane is smiling at the camera as if he's hiding a secret, but his eyes are inviting, like if you move a bit closer, he'll maybe share that secret with you. Bane has multiple piercings in his ears and wears a lot of jewelry. All things Alec would associate with girliness. All things Alec can't tear his eyes away from as his mind is already picturing what Magnus' ringed fingers would feel like on him.

Magnus has a photo of him in a snazzy suit, dancing, body bent impossibly elegant and willowy. There's another of him doing yoga, standing on his head, legs bent, hanging over him. There's an obvious bulge that can be seen inside his yoga pants and Alec feels like a creeper noticing it. The last photo is of Magnus holding a gray-white cat in his arms, cradling it lovingly to his chest. His makeup is different here and there are less rings, but the man's no less stunning than in any photo of him that Alec has seen.

He checks on Magnus' profile again, but it doesn't say anything about his preferred position. Of course it doesn't, he's not here for a hook-up. It doesn't stop Alec from wanting everything.

So, obviously, when Magnus messages him, he panics and logs out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small update.

It's three days later and Alec still hasn't opened the app. Not since Magnus Bane messaged him. Magnus has probably lost all interest and/or hates Alec by now. That would be understandable. That would be a good thing. He doesn't need any Magnuses in his life. taking him out for dinner. As friends. 

Oh angels...

When Alec finally logs back on, there are new messages in his inbox. He can guess what most of them will say without looking. A few days ago those were the messages that would thrill him and have him sneaking a hand below the waistband of his boxer briefs.

But right now all he sees is _the_ message. No new ones. Just the same thing that had him freaking out for days. Alec's calmer now. Not by a lot. But enough to tap out a reply.

Because there's no way Magnus, beautiful, magical, sophisticated, has his life together Magnus, is going to answer to some dumb kid that didn't instantly jump at the opportunity to at least talk to the man.

Only when Alec's rereading his carefully formulated " _Hello, Magnus. A friend does sound nice. But I'm leaning towards something more discreet than an evening out in the city, if that's alright with you. Sorry for not getting back to you right away, A._ ", and realizing how suggestive it sounds; there's a _seen_ popping up. And then three dots, meaning Magnus Bane is writing something back! It takes a lot out of Alec to not just fling the phone across the room. Or drop it. And maybe stomp on it for good measure. Heroically, Alec does neither, looking straight into the eye of the proverbial beast.  
What's he even scared of? Rejection is exactly what he needs for his life to go as planned...

" _We could do discreet. What did you have in mind?_ "

What Alec has in mind? It would be better if Magnus never knew about that. The only place discreet enough is his own place, and even then, what if the neighbors see the man, coming in? What if it gets back to his parents? What if Magnus thinks he's asking him over for sex? What if he really really wants to ask him over for sex?

Shit. Bad train of thought.

" _There's a couple of small local-owned restaurants I like to frequent. They can be quite colorful but it's always worth it._ "

While Alec was freaking out and trying to get his mind out of the gutter, Magnus has messaged him again, trying. Trying to make this meeting of theirs happen, trying to do this to what? Get to know Alec? This all feels scary as fuck and so nice Alec thinks his chest might burst.

He types a quick: " _Name the place, I'm free this Friday and Saturday evening._ "

That's the least he can do.

And that does it. They settle on a date. Which really isn't a date. It's Alec making a friend, something Izzy has been pestering him about for forever. It's nothing. Just dinner with a friend.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to make this short. Alec keeps on being a martyr disaster gay, what else is new

There've been signs. He should've known it was all wrong and he shouldn't have even tried. Ever. He shouldn't have done so many things.

The first sign was Izzy, soon joined by Jace. They got it into their heads that something was up with him and getting them to leave him alone, with as heavy a decision to make as he had to, was already taxing enough. Then Idris and sons decided that this week they'd be having mock trials and so Alec had to work in a team, which meant even more time spent at the firm, which meant... Friday was not an option anymore. And neither was Saturday.

It was fine. Good, in a way. He shouldn't have agreed and now he had an out. Honestly, the best thing Alec could do right now, was delete Grindr from his phone and move on. He had a life to live and expectations to uphold. None of that involved the app, or meeting Magnus Bane. As friends.

Still, like a fool, entranced by Magnus, from the way he spoke to the way he looked; Alec goes with the dumbest decision ever: he writes to Magnus. Again. He is cancelling but saying that it's not final. That it's really work, that he wishes they could reschedule. Alec is so fucking weak.

And he curses himself and his luck, because Magnus is so damn understanding. Alec wishes he wasn't. And then he's on cloud nine because yes, he's that lucky, Magnus understands, Magnus is willing to wait. Wait for what exactly, Alec isn't quite sure, but he doesn't have time to think about it, he's got work to do. He's got siblings to fend off. He's got to have another photo that's okay to upload so that Magnus doesn't lose interest.

Just as Alec has said before: he's weak.

***

All through the weekend Alec receives tiny encouraging messages from Magnus. Sometimes they're all he can think about, which, in turn, makes it even harder to concentrate on his stupid team and whatever it is they're planning on doing. Alec already knows how to win the case, he double-checked. It's a waste of his time. Time he could be spending with one Magnus Bane. As friends. Still, he tries to tune in and finally let his team know that they've already got the case in the bag. He can't listen to them droning on about similar circumstances in cases from ages ago. Not when they're going in a totally different direction.

***

Magnus leaves for business the next week. He says he's not sure how long it will take, but that he'll try and hurry back. This is probably a kind rejection. Like Magnus finally realizing Alec wasn't worth the effort. But it doesn't feel like a lie. And he doesn't stop writing. Magnus sends Alec photos of the places he's visiting in China, of something he thinks would make Alec laugh, on one memorable occasion he sends a selfie of himself with a giant cat statue. Alec shamelessly saves it to his phone even before he's done looking at it properly.

***

Izzy tries again and again. "I can see you're acting more weird than usual." "Is there someone? I know there is!" "Why won't you tell me? I tell you everything. Don't you trust me?"

She serves blow after blow. But there's nothing to tell. Nothing at all except for how sad and miserable Alec's life is and is going to be. He thinks of the poor girl he'll marry, a deal between two wealthy families. A union in the upper class, don't let anyone else in. She might be like him, not looking for love, or maybe she'll have a lover on the side. Alec hopes his future wife will have someone that can love her the way he can't.

Izzy's gotten him drunk. Thats where all the stupid thoughts are coming from. She hoped to get him talking, but forgot to stay sober herself, now dancing away to the beat of the music.

So it's really her fault when Alec angles his phone at himself, backlit by the strobe lights, colored in neon and darkness, snaps a shot and sends it to the one text chain that he's been checking in on daily for the past two weeks now.

_"My sister is trying to get me drunk. I want to go home. I want to go home to you."_

And then Izzy is right there in front of him and Alec scrambles to hide his phone, promptly forgetting about the selfie and the message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow these are getting shorter  
> (Hopefully the next one will compensate for this)

_"I assumed you weren't in a state where you'd want to broadcast your feelings out loud, when you sent me those messages, but I'm grateful you trusted me with them still and didn't delete them, Alexander._

_I have something to confess. A quid pro quo, if you must._

_I wouldn't mind having you over, at my place, too._

_This might sound silly, but you've unlocked something in me. I haven't felt this strongly or this much for anyone, man, woman... In a long time. And we haven't even met._

_But I hope that will change soon. Your latest, albeit slightly inebriated, messages make me think that I'm not alone in feeling this, whatever it is._

_I am still looking forward to becoming your friend first, getting to know you, but if that leads us to more, who am I to protest._

_Drink lots of water and, please, rest if you can._

_Magnus."_

Hungover and at his childhood home, lying on the floor in Izzy's room, all Alec can think at the moment, with his fuzzy offline brain is:

I could've deleted the messages?


	5. Chapter 5

Alec puts off sitting down with his feelings, ergo writing to Magnus, as long as he can. Which isn't long. Just because he can't really keep Magnus waiting, not after what he has written to Alec.

It's hard. Facing yourself like that and baring what you've kept hidden for all of your life. Still, he owes it to Magnus. And, truthfully, it is easier, finally saying it. Writing it down.

_"I'm not out."_ He writes. He wrote an _yet_ at the end at first, but deleted it. There's no yet. There's no future for him with that word in it.

_"I can't stop thinking about you."_ He writes. Because it's the truth. He's wanted before. But it was always so abstract. A male-shaped figure to be his partner, to kiss, to fuck him, for him to fuck. An anonymous fantasy. But now, this just doesn't do it for Alec. He's not sure what's so special about Magnus Bane, except that everything about him is.

_"I don't know what to do. And I can't put the decisions on you, but I really don't know."_ He writes. It's cheating, just a bit. He hopes Magnus will come up with the answers after he receives this. Tell Alec exactly how to maintain his picture-perfect life and have him, this gorgeous, beautiful, smart, funny man Alec is only getting to know.

_"I still want to see you in person. Really want to."_ He writes, sounding desperate. God, is he desperate. He wishes Magnus would just sweep him off his feet to a world of their own, where nothing Alec was brought up with to respect and obey, matters. That he'd see Alec and just come up to him and kiss him, first thing he does. Just kiss him and not let go for minutes that'll seem like an eternity. Alec imagines a fairytale and berates himself for it accordingly.

Alec writes down his address and adds that if Magnus would feel safer at his own place or somewhere outside, they're free to meet up wherever. Just not any place too crowded, too public. Alec feels embarrassed for needing to write this down. Feels awful that he'll feel weird, scared, embarrassed also, walking side by side with a man like Magnus, on a public street. But this bundle of emotions comes with the package. And if Alec really wanted to avoid it, he wouldn't be writing. He wouldn't be pressing send.

He wouldn't be feeling like puking with joy when he sees Magnus replying in the affirmative, agreeing to meet up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goddess do they FINALLY meet up in the next one?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry

Alec wasn't sure how he got the courage to meet, or how they ended up the way they were now; he never thought he'd allow himself... Never thought he'd be brave enough to just... He never thought Magnus would actually want him like that. And yet, here they were.

Kissing each other, pressed up against the door of Magnus' apartment, breaking apart to gasp for breath and diving back in. If Alec had to ever describe Magnus and the way he tasted, the way he felt against him,the way his touch burned so good, hed settle on _intoxicating_. Because he couldn't get enough, letting his hands wander south, Magnus letting him, following his lead and doing a quick job of unfastening Alec's pants and gripping him through the thin material of his briefs.

There was a stray thought about moving too fast, but it kind of got lost once Magnus was spreading Alec out on the bed and sliding into him-

Alec woke up with a startle and an impending orgasm he couldn't stop, seconds after.

He had a sex dream.

Alec Lightwood, twenty four years of age, a respectable law student, just had a sex dream about a total stranger, a very hot and very well-written stranger, that he was supposed to be meeting today. For a... Whatever. Not for _this_.

Oh angels, he should just cancel. How do you even look someone in the eye after they've fucked you in your dream?

Also, all of this could and should be contemplated while washing come out of his underwear, not just laying in bed and letting it cool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not yet. But maybe next time?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please notice the added tags and read the warning at the end of the chapter first if you're worried you might not be okay with what's going to happen.
> 
> This story is getting out of control. I'm sorry.

The whole day at the internship seemed to drag incredibly slow, the tasks not keeping Alec's mind, or nerves, off of the evening to come.

This was it. He was doing it. He was going to go on a... Probably something like a, maybe, date. With Magnus Bane. This thought alone made Alec's heart swoop one moment, and plunge down in dread another. This was all new uncharted territory. Mainly, Alec going for what he really wanted. Something he didn't allow himself to do since he was old enough to be responsible for his own actions.

And it didn't matter if it lead to anything, _Alec kind of hoped it would lead to something_ , it didn't matter, because he was meeting Magnus and literally nothing could be wrong about that. Even if they'd just end up as friends, _they were only allowed to end up as friends and nothing more_ , this would be the happiest and the most free Alec has felt in... In forever.

"Hey, Lightweight!"

And even Raj couldn't ruin his day.

Alec heaved a long-suffering sigh and slowly turned around, prepared to listen to Raj blab about something he found hillarious or amusing. Honestly, the man did the bare minimum to not get fired and somehow was the favorite of almost every single associate.

"Hi, Raj."

"Hi yourself! You should've told me I was hitting on the wrong sibling the whole time! So, how about it? You and me, after this crapfest is done with. A couple beers at mine, I'll suck yours if you suck mine, or however this saying goes..."

Raj is still talking, Alec can hear him as an annoying buzz through the white noise in his ears. He feels like he's going to pass out. Or puke. Or puke and pass out. But he can't. He can't. Because Raj is still talking.

There is clarity, right in front of him, fueled by white hot anger, pushing out every other emotion. Enough to grab Rajesh by the lapels of his suit and drag him out of sight, slamming him against the nearest wall.

"Hey, hey, if you like to play rough, we need a safeword furst-"

"Shut up. Shut up. Just- shut up." The arm, pinning Raj to the wall is giving off light tremors, or maybe it's just Alec, shivering. His mind is foggy and his tongue is numb, but he needs to force the words out. Anything.

"What... What the hell are you talking about?"

That's fine. That works. That's good. Stay grounded, stay focused. Don't let the jack-rabbiting of your heart lead you into something you can't control.

"Dude!" The shorter man pulls out of Alec's grip, straightening his jacket, and Alec, with noone to pin to the wall, leans heavily against it. "Your Grindr? Your... You know... Uh... If it's not yours... Oh! Someone's using your body to catfish dudes on Grindr! Should've realized you were all about that pussy." 

Alec thinks Raj sound triumphant, like he's had an epiphany, or something. He really doesn't care. The words aren't fully registered in his mind yet, but he thinks he's off the hook. He thinks he's okay.

"Damn, way to be super homophobic, dude." 

Alec thinks Raj leaves. He must've, because it's quieter now. Alec forces himself to put one foot in front of the other, just moving forward, holding on to the wall for support, and at some point he ends up at the restrooms. Once he's safely shut himself inside a cubicle, three tries to get the latch to stay the way it needed to be, Alec collapses to the ground and turns to the ceramic bowl just in time to empty his stomach inside the toilet.

Alec wasn't new to panic attacks. But this one was strong. Stronger than any he's had in a long time.

But he couldn't spend forever inside the toilets. And he needed to actually talk to Rajesh and do some damage control. He's had his freakout, it was enough. The last words sounded scarily like his mother but that was another can of worms Alec was not touching.

But first.

Alec fished out his phone from his pants pocket and opened the damned app.

_"I am so sorry, I can't. Thank you. Goodbye."_

There was so much more he wanted to say, but in the end, did it really matter? With this last message - he exited the app, went throught the whole procedure of deleting his profile, and then erased it from his phone. 

This was for the best. He was never supposed to even download it. And Magnus would find someone so much better and so much... Not whatever mess Alec was.

With this Alec finally got up, on shaky legs and with a heavy weight on his heart. Everything happened the way it did for a reason. And this was his sign. Alec Lightwood was not meant for happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raj finds Alec's grindr account and confronts him about it at the internship. Alec has a bad panic attack and harsh actions and angst follow.


	8. Chapter 8

How he got home, he doesn't know. But here he is - in the dark apartment, locking the door on autopilot. He thinks he's had something to drink. Water from the cooler. But his mouth still feels disgusting. Alec's not sure what to do, now that his body has brought him to a relatively safe space. He feels like this is the moment he collapses in on himself. This is it. But there's no more damage he can do that already hasn't been done.

He thinks he needs to lie down.

A happy chirping sound comes from within his pocket and it is so out of place in the darkness of his flat and thoughts, that it kick-starts something in Alec. He answers the phone.

"Hi, Alec... What... What are you up to this fine evening?" Fray. And judging by the hustle that's happening on the other line after her weird phrasing, Simon too.

"Not substituting for one of your models, if that's what you're asking." Alec snaps back. He feels a bit of himself come back to life.

"That was one time! And no, that's not why I'm calling."

Alec presses the phone between his shoulder and ear and goes to switch on the lights, getting rid of his work clothes on the way.

"Then why _are_ you calling?"

He puts the phone on speaker as he enters the bathroom. He needs to brush his teeth and take a shower. So Fray better get to business quick.

"Izzy, Jace and I, a couple more friends, we were planning on going to a club this weekend."

"Yeah, let me stop you there."

"I'm telling you out of the kindness of my heart! Izzy was going to just go to your place and drag you with us."

"Just tell her I'm not going."

"Uh, you tell her yourself. I'd like to see you try."

"Fine. Was that all?"

"No, also I am calling to inform you that you're still a giant ass."

"Okay. Bye, shrimp."

He hangs up and puts his phone on silent as he finally gets in the shower. He is definitely in no mood to go clubbing. But he also knows Izzy is unstoppable when she wants something. And Alec is always the first to cave.

Maybe a club is exactly what he needs. Just some awful thumping beat and his siblings by his side. He'll even give in and drink whatever concoction Fray will definitely force him to. As a thank you for telling him in advance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's more to Clary's call than meets the eye. But I'm not sure if I want to disclose it or make it part of the fic. We'll see...


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If it feels like this is moving too fast, just imagine the days Alec had spent alone, wallowing and overthinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to say thank you all for the comments and kudos!
> 
> They keep me going!
> 
> (Something really awful happened in my life and I'm trying to live through it. So I figured, I'm going to do it with Alec and just stop torturing him this much)

When, inevitably, Izzy comes bounding in, demanding Alec go clubbing with them, or else, Alec does make a show out of not wanting to go and not having the time, just to see how far Izzy would get in her bargaining. But they all knew he was going, so after Izzy and Clary carefully curated a look for him, they were off to the club. The name 'Pandemonium' sounded weirdly familiar but Alec couldn't put his finger on it, and also, he didn't really care, as long as they had drinks and a pool table.

Clary and Izzy disappear on the dancefloor after their first round of drinks; Alec forced into a fruity cocktail he really didn't mind but pulled a face akin to being tortured, just to be difficult.

After a bit, Simon and Jace deciding to stay at the bar and Meliorn joining the girls, leaving to dance, it left only Alec and Maia. They didn't have to think twice before moving in on the pool tables.

The both of them not one to loose - the game becomes a competition fast.

"I just love how not straight this place is. It's really refreshing." Maia comments, casually hitting a curved ball into it's hole.

Alec freezes for a second, eyes going around the room, trying to see what he's missed since walking into Pandemonium. Maia goes on though, oblivious to his internal freakout. It's better than that time with Raj, but not by a lot.

"I mean, I think the only straight guy here is your brother. And even he's not that bad. But don't tell him I said that."

Instead of trying to prove anything about himself, Alec is stuck on one thought.

"But you're dating Simon?"

"Yeah, and Clary's dating Jace." She answers matter-of-factly, as if that settles it. Though this does finally draw her full attention from the pool table. Alec wishes it didn't.

"You know Clary's bi, right? And Simon's pan. Your sister is in an open relationship with Meliorn, who's non binary. I'm trans... I mean, I'm not outing anyone right now, we all know it, just, I guess, don't talk about it a lot."

"I'm gay." And, wow, this is not what Alec was going to say.

But the world doesn't collapse on itself and he isn't being dragged to hell in the middle of his pool game. And Maia, who is trans, she's trans and he never knew, gives him a lopsided smile.

"I've never told anyone." Not like that, not out loud. Not so... Straightforward, for lack of a better word.

"Thank you." Is what Maia answers with and Alec's heart squeezes almost painfully at the words.

They go back to playing pool after this, but it's almost like the air's changed and has become more easy to breathe now. Now that just one person has heard him admit to what he is, and not change their attitude in the slightest. Still ribbing him for missing a shot and making him buy the next round because it was his turn.

Alec has never truly spent time with Maia before today. Not without another person or two with them. And now he keeps wondering why. 

They end up texting each other all the way home, in their separate Lyfts. It feels a lot like he just gained a friend, even though he and Maia have always been friends on paper, through the friend group. It's nice, being known.

He doesn't demand she not tell anyone what he's told her at the bar. From their talk, first in person and then through text, he knows she won't out him. Even to his siblings. Even if she's hinted that they might know already.

It feels weird, being out, even to one person, even if Alec doesn't intend for it to get further than his friend group. Alec's not sure if it's a good weird or a bad weird, but he's pleasantly buzzed, crammed in the car with his brother and sister on their way home, with a friend messaging him a sleeping Simon, smooched against the car window.

Right now, in this small moment, Alec thinks, his life is good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, more to Izzy and Clary than meets the eye, but will disclose it at some point later (I don't mean Clary cheating on Jace, just to be clear)


	10. Chapter 10

It's Clary's big night tonight. Her personal gallery opening. There will be a couple other artists, but Clary's work will be the main event. So Alec has no idea why his sister is fussing about around him, instead of trying to cheer her friend up and keep her calm in the last minutes before the event begins.

In general, Izzy has been acting strange for the past few weeks. She's been trying to drag him clubbing again, making him go out for lunch more, insisting that he go shopping with her and sometimes going as far as showing up at his door at the wee hours of morning to dress him up as if he were her personal Ken doll. Alec loved his little sister but this was going too far.

"Shouldn't you be with Clary?" They're power-walking to the gallery, Izzy not letting up even though she's much shorter than Alec and is wearing high heels. That in itself is impressive. Not impressive enough to get Alec to be less annoyed with her.

The reason they're not inside already, with the guests on the special list, as well as Clary herself, is because Izzy has spent too much time making Alec change and forcing him into doing his hair and shaving his day-old stubble.

"Yes, I should. So you see how dire this situation is? For God's sake, she's with Jace and Simon. You know how awful those two are at cheering people up."

This answers absolutely nothing for Alec, but he keeps walking, the gallery already in sight.

As abruptly as she does everything lately, Izzy comes to a halt in front of a coffee shop.

"You go! I'll bring her a chai latte. She'll need it."

And honestly, Alec doesn't question his moment of freedom from his sister, just nodding an acknowledgment and speeding forward, almost at a run now.

He checks in with the security and they let him pass, the Lightwood name on the VIP list today. Alec is intent on finding Clary and at least getting her rid of the terror and horror that is her boyfriend in support mode, when his heart skips a beat. He stops in his tracks and it's like he's frozen in place. Because he can't be seeing whom he's seeing right now. He can't be...

And then those beautiful amber eyes meet his and it's like Alec can breathe again,only the air is clearer and it's so much easier than it was before...

Alec watches, still stuck in place, as Magnus Bane excuses himself from the little group that was surrounding him, as if drawn to his light; and then Magnus just keeps on walking towards him.

It's a cliche, but he's even more handsome in person. Alec doesn't know how that could ever be possible and yet it is. Magnus has styled his hair with streaks of silver, his leather jacket covered in sequins, the dark blue button down beneath it buttonned up all the way, unlike the many photos Alec has seen of him. There are still necklaces, and rings, and the ear-pieces. And the smoky eyeliner, oh God. And Alec is officially banning himself from looking lower, because the way those dress-pants fit, if Alec let's himself look, he's never looking away.

For a millisecond Alec wonders if this is why Izzy made sure Alec dressed up nice today. But that thought is dismissed as soon as Magnus approaches him.

"Alexander, you look dashing."

Oh no. Oh it's bad. His name sounds so good on Magnus' lips.

"You... Uh. You look good yourself, uh." Congratulations, Alec. That was almost a sentence.

"Oh, this?" Magnus asks, making a little show of waving his hands, leaving a glittery trail in the air. Mesmerizing. "Glad you like it."

They stay silent for a bit, Alec's brain being unhelpful and his stomach filling with butterflies. Alec can feel a stupid smile tugging at his lips but he can't stop it.

"We should probably, um, go... The opening, uh... I'm here for Clary-"

"Yes, yes, you're absolutely right, my darling." Oh God, Alec is officially dead. " We do have to hurry or they might start without us."

Alec thinks Magnus is mocking him, just a little. But he can't find it in himself to mind.

And then the reality of the situation finally hits him.

Alec grabs magnus by the forearm, stopping him in his track.

"No one can know." His own voice sounds scary to him. Hoarse and panicked. But Alec guesses that's what he is. He's fucking scared. It's one thing talking to Maya at her bar. It's completely different from meeting his grindr crush in real life. In front of all of his friend circle.

"Don't worry, darling. I'm not that cruel."

Shit. Magnus slips loose of his grip and walks ahead. And Alec can't believe he's managed to insult and hurt the man in the span of three sentences.

***

The opening is a success, Clary introduces Magnus to Alec and magnus pretends to not know him, even using "Alec" instead of "Alexander", when "making their aquatintance". It feels so wrong, especially after hearing Magnus call him by his full name before.

But this is what he chose. And this is a good choice. A right choice.

So when no one's watching, Alec pulls magnus out of sight, and smashed their mouths together in a kiss. He's not thinking. He just couldn't keep away any longer. And judging by the way Magnus instantly pulls him back in when Alec withdraws, they both feel a little reckless and desperate tonight...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooookay tell me what you think?
> 
> (This is far from over)


	11. Chapter 11

Alec thinks he's going to go insane. He's jerked off so much in the past few days, imagining every way Magnus and he would meet again after the gallery opening. Magnus would message him and ask him over, for the discretion Alec has been so insistent upon. They wouldn't start off like that, the things they'd end up doing wouldn't be planned. Just the moment they get behind closed doors it'll become impossible to keep their hands to themselves. The memory of Magnus' lips on his fuels the fantasies, enticing and not enough, but also, days after, still so overwhelming.

Only Magnus doesn't call him over. He doesn't text. Maybe he's waiting for Alec to make a move. But that's just plain inconsiderate of him. Alec can't just snap a dick pick and ask Magnus if he wants to fuck. He also can't ask Magnus out on a date with a promise of a chaste kiss goodnight. And he _also_ can't put all this on Magnus. He knows it's not fair. Alec was the one to abruptly disappear and then just as unexpectedly reemerge with all of this want and feelings bursting out of him.

So, logically, Alec needs to be the one to initiate _something_. He does get that he owes Magnus an apology, even with his head clouded with want. But wanting Magnus from afar and owning up to his actions and seeing where that takes them - they are two completely different things. And Alec doesn't know how to properly deal with neither.

And while Alec is in-between worrying about never gathering the courage to send Magnus a text, and imagining Magnus going down to his knees in front of Alec; the young man gets roped into going bar-hopping with the interns.

He plans on ditching them after the first round, but then Aline introduces a girl that just came up to them as Helen, her girlfriend; and after Alec's done intimidating Raj, with the lewd three-way comments, into leaving, he can't help but stay and watch in fascination as his co-worker lives the life.

A few beers later he's finally getting to know the person he's been working with for months and he's liking what he's discovering. Aline is nothing but professional on the job, but here, he finds out that she never plans on staying with Idris, planning to move on to something that's more people-oriented; he enjoys her sharp wit and the softer side she seems to reserve for her girlfriend.

"What about you, Alec? Are you seeing anyone?" It's Helen asking him, no malice in her voice, just a genuine question. A normal question. Alec can just say no and that'll be it. Instead Alec pulls out his phone.

"There's this guy. But I kind of ruined it for us."

He shows the women one of the pictures of Magnus he has saved on his phone. He doesn't get the impulse to ask them for discretion. Or to keep his secret. Aline never talks about anything other than work when on the internship and... Maybe he's feeling bold. It kind of feels good. Talking to someone who, until an hour ago, has-been a stranger to him.

"Aw, he's cute. You sure it's over between you?"

"I'm not sure I've let it begin." - Alec confesses.

Helen fiddles with his phone some more before handing it back and Alec must be too drunk to care. He thinks all the other interns but him and Aline have left. He doesn't mind.

"You should write to him. Maybe not now. But you never know. If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. And if not - it's just one text." Aline speaks matter of factly. Like she knows what she's talking about. This makes her girlfriend smile and press in closer to her in the booth. They look so peaceful together.

Alec knows that texting drunk is never a good idea. But he might never get the courage otherwise. So he takes another swig of his beer, cringing at the taste he still can't get used to, and starts typing out a message...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it feels like the pacing is dragging - I'm sorry. It just felt right like this.


End file.
